Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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