but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
