how can u be prego again
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
