is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
