I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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