you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
