Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
