I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
