i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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