I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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