At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
