Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
