There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
