I just pynch a tree in the face
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When are your genitals available?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
