if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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