somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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