I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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