Well apparently he's into motor boating.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
