seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
