***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
