It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
this is an emotional support booty call
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
