Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
