matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
In America we eat man semen.
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Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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