me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
