Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
