We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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