im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
