you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
