can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
