You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
