I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
