I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
