Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
