the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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