Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
