Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
