we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
