Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
