I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
