I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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