OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
