Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
