Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
