just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
