Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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