when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
