i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
