just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
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