I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
