How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
