i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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