My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
