We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
