life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
