Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
