Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
