On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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