You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
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I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.