I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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