im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room