i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
